He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
