So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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