Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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