At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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