If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
