The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
