bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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