Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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