After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
