never play flip cup with pint glasses
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
