all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
