fuck your aforementioned shoe
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
