No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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