We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
