So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
