The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
sarcasm needs its own font
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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