GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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