Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
don't judge my taste in strippers
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
