I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
