You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
