Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
