I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
