I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
