somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
