So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
