i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
