My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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