My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
