I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
