Define "chronic" masturbator.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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