I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize