girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
