I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
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