really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I stole a fireplace last night.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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