She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize