just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize