Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
