physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
