walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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