I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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