Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
