if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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