i just sold back the books i vomitted on
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
did i walk over a car last night?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
