dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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