hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
