What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
