if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
