He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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