i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
