The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
