btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
