For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize