Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
