Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
