I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
